And you hurt yorself to mend yourself
by chiteaara
Summary: Stef's past is catching up with her. Tess moving in next door triggered something in Stef that neither her or Lena expect. She has to deal with her repressed feelings about her sexuality and her fathers rejection of it. Continues after 5x15, Stef and Lena heavy
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

"Have you told your wife that you've been getting panic attacks?"

Stef sighed, " well she kind of knows cause I've woken her up in the middle of the night because I couldn't breathe!"  
She was getting annoyed and felt like all the therapist did was also nosy, unnecessary questions.  
"Well let me rephrase my question, does she know what causes them? Have you talked about your feeling with her? What you've been re-experiencing ?" Stefs breath hitched. She didn't want to talk to Lena about this, it would just upset her and there would be no point in that. She could deal with this crap by herself. She could handle this. "N-N-not really, I-I I don't think she needs to know about this in detail, I-i don't want to hurt her if I'm being honest." She started to look down at her hands and play with her wedding band. She doesn't like to be vulnerable in front of others, not even Lena.

"How could you possibly hurt her, don't you think she wants to know what's going on with her wife ?"

Stefs eyes were glazed with tears, but she didn't want to feel sad right now, so she let anger take over her  
" How could she possibly be hurt?! I am ASHAMED of myself and if I tell her about the feeling I sometimes get when we are together it IS going to hurt her, I can already see the disappointment in her eyes And I can't deal with her being disappointed in me right now. I NEVER wanted to disappoint him I-I-ah-" she started gasping , desperate for fresh air to fill her lungs. Tears started pooling in her eyes, while she tried to remember how to breathe. Her rapid breathing only increased. She needed to get out if here, she couldn't take it anymore. "I-i-i can't, I j-just can't!" With that she ran out of the therapists office, out of the building, until she was outside

There she leaned against the wall trying to catch her breath. By then tears were streaming down her face and she herself couldn't understand how she could react this way about a simple question. It was silly, she was being silly. She shouldn't make such big deal out of something that happened in the past more than 10 years ago. This only made her cry even more, she was down right sobbing by then. As a result she became even more angry at herself. She darted her head around, trying to find something she could focus on, but there wasn't anything. Everything was blurry. Unfocused. She had never had a panic attack this severe, she felt like she was suffocating. It was safe to say that she was close to losing consciousness at this point. God she was such disappointment , such a disgrace. What on earth did Lena see in her?

Those thoughts didn't help at all, she had to stop thinking, She was telling herself to concentrate on the breathing techniques her therapist thought her. By now she was getting extremely scared and desperate, the only thing that she could think of and focus on was her wife. "L-Lena- h-h-he" was all she could manage between heart wrenching gasps of air. She moved her shaky hand to reach and grab her phone, trying to call Lena. Hastily she pressed one to speed dial her wife. Beep-Beep- it went to voice mail. She tried for a second time, a third time. Beep-Beep. Stef was starting to freak out even more, she couldn't take this feeling of anxiety much longer. She tried the breathing techniques the therapist taught her but they didn't do much. She tried her again, beep-beep, there Lena finally picked up " what is it honey, you know that I'm in an important meeting right now. Aren't you supposed to be in a season with your therapist?"

"I-I-I'm s-s-sorry l-l, ay-a-a-I need you to come p-pick me up p-please. A-a I don't think t-that I can drive. I-I'm in f-front of t-the d-doctors office" stuttering she sat down on the curb. "Why not? Is everything alright Stef, are you okay?" Lena suddenly sounded very concerned "Are you having trouble breathing again?"

"p-please j-just come pick me up" "I'll be there in a few, hang on honey I got you"

With that she hung up and Stef tried to hold herself together somehow, gain some composure back. She clinged her arms around herself, as if she wanted to protect herself from the world and everyone else. She was bouncing back and forth on the curb to keep herself busy and to have something to focus on. Stef wasn't one to usually bite her nails, but now she did, to keep herself from making too much noise, people were already looking.

There she was! Lena jumped out of the car as fast as she could, not bothered by the fact that she was basically parking in the middle of the street. She rushed over to her wife as she could clearly see in how much despair and pain she really was. Her eyes were silently begging for help. She touched Stefs shoulders gently, as not to startle her. When Stef lifted her head and recognised her wife, she immediately flung herself into her arms. She was inconsolable as she sobbed into Lenas shoulder. Softly her chin was lifted "Let's get you home honey, allright?"

Just when Stef lifted herself up with Lenas help, her legs gave away underneath her. The panic attack had made her body completely weak, making her feel even more inadequate. Lena simply helped Stef steady herself and leaded her to their car. There she placed her on the seat and gently put on the safety belt. Her wife was still breathing heavily and tears were still making their way down her cheeks. Lena drove as fast as the speed limit would allow her, often faster. The need to help her wife and get her home as fast as possible was too strong, than to care about limits.

She opened the door to their craftsman in Mission Bay and just like she had predicted all the kids were home and now staring at their whimpering, heavily breathing Mom. That was just something she knew Stef couldn't deal with right now.

"Wha-What happened?" Brandon was the first to speak up. Lena would have to talk to all of them later. "Not now buddy, it's a bad time, your Mum is just under a lot of stress right now, I'll talk to all of you later. Stef was feeling a great deal of shame and self-hate, as she was scaring her kids and they saw how weak she actually was. "I-I'm-m f-f-fine g-guys" was all she could manage and not even that without stammering and stuttering. God why was she such a failure. The kids quickly disappeared in their rooms and Lena helped Stef up the stairs and got her seated on their bed. In the bathroom she took her wife's mild sedative out of the cabinet and gave it to her. Inwardly she thought, that she could probably do with an even stronger one after seeing just how worked up Stef really was.

After Stef took the medication she had calmed down significantly, but the voice in her head who kept on telling her how unworthy she was, just wouldn't stop. Lena took Stef in her arms, who clinged to her firmly. That alone told Lena just how much her wife needed her right now. " Stef, baby, talk to me. I need to know what's going on. I wanna help my beautiful wife." Stef only squeezed her more tightly, not wanting to escape the safety she found in her wife's arms.

After sometime her tears had tried and she cautiously lifted her head and made eye contact with her beautiful Lena. "I need you Lena" a hoarse whisper was all she could choke out "But i-I'm afraid to h-hurt you and that- that you won't love me anymore" Lena pulled her back into her chest again" There is NOTHING, you hear me, nothing that could make me love you any less. You just have to trust me and let me in. So that I can help you heal. I love you!"

"I love you" Stefs voice was still only a whisper "I-I'll try to l-let you in. So there are probably some things I-I should tell y-you abou…"


	2. Chapter 2

Stef felt Lena slowly turning and trying to wiggle out of Stef's tight embrace "Mhh, Lena, don't move… you so comfy" Stef mumbled into Lena's breasts. Lena now tightened her arms around Stef, wishing she could protect her from her own inner demons. It hurt Lena a great deal when her wife was suffering.

"I'm not leaving you, love" and both of them knew that Lena wasn't only referring to her staying in bed with Stef. After Stef completely broke down yesterday they had a long, intensive talk that definitely cleared some things up in regards of why Stef was struggling so much right now. However only Lena's understanding of the situation changed, neither of them knew how to make it go away.

The thing is, Lena now knew where Stef was coming from, but she still didn't understand how her wife, her love, could slip into such serious, deep depression that was, from Lena's point of view, coming out of nowhere.

She thought her wife was happy, content. The chapter of coming to terms with her sexuality long closed. But now Tess moving in next door opened Stef's wounds again, wounds she hadn't realised were still oh so very deep and never fully healed.

Whilst she was stroking Stef's head gently and whispering sweet nothings into her ear, she decided to have a chat with Stef's Therapist later. Obviously there probably wasn't much she could do, which would help immediately, but she wanted to, needed to be there for her wife and her therapist is most likely the best person to talk to for advice.

Lena knew that soon Stef was gonna build up her walls, brush her off again. She also knew that eventually Stef would have to get over her fear of being vulnerable in front of her. She was just hoping it wouldn't be too late for her wife until then. 'stop thinking like this Lena, you have to stay optimistic and supportive for your wife' Lena scolded herself.

They stayed like this, with Lena having Stef pulled onto her chest, until they heard the kids getting up. That's when Stef was reminded again of last night and how broken her kids had seen her. Lena also felt the complete shift in her wife's body language, all at once she went completely stiff and started to get off of Lena as fast as possible.

"Ste-…" But she had already rushed off to their bathroom, head hanging, so that she wouldn't have to look Lena in the eyes. There she goes. Lena got up and put her ear on the closed bathroom door, she could her wife's quiet sobs that she was trying to hold back. "Stef, you don't have to hide from me honey. Don't feel ashamed for feeling something and showing emotion, that's healthy. As your wife I'm here for you. I want to help you heal, my love, my love, my love. Pleaase, will you come out and let me hold you. We'll hug it out for a bit. I know you, you're so strong, but you don't have to be strong all the time. Actually showing emotions is a sign of strength too. Please Stef, just open the door."

Stef slowly rose from her crouching position on the bathroom floor and slowly turned the key to let Lena in. "I'm sorry, love. I'm just so afraid that they won't feel like I could protect them anymore.. a-and I know they're gonna know something is up with me and how I know our kids they won't beat around the bush and just ask me this morning. A-and I don't know if I can handle that to be honest. I'm really sorry for being such a cry baby right now, b-but I don't think I can deal with the look in their eyes when they see me."

Lena took Stef's hand in her own, squeezing it softly. "Oh my beautiful Love, they could never not feel safe, protected or loved by you. We raised some amazing kids and I don't think anyone of them is gonna love you any less or will see you as incapable of being their mum. Because your not, you're their mum whatever may come. They are simply worried about you and want you to feel better about yourself again. So please come downstairs with me?"

At first Lena felt how her wife relaxed a little again, as she positioned her head on Lena's lap and held their entwined hands to her still slightly wet cheek. But as soon as she mentioned going downstairs with her, Stef went stiff again, holding onto Lena's hand as if her life depended on it.

Lena sighed "How about this: I'll go down first, explain a little bit of your situation to them, don't worry I will not tell them any details, and then when breakfasts ready I come and get you. But that's for now- eventually you'll have to tell them some things yourself, because I don't think it's my place to do so. For now I'll do it for you. Remember, baby steps ? "

Stef let her hand out of her tight grip again "Thank you my love" she quietly choked out.

As Lena went downstairs she could already hear the kids arguing about what was wrong with their mum, now she was actually glad that Stef asked her to come down first.

"…I don't know- she looked so-so broken. I've never seen mum cry this hard, she looked so scared and lost"

"yeh, I mean I've seen mum cry, but she never looked this scared, this panicky"

"Did you see how her hands were shaking and her voice was quivering."

"I just hope she'll be all right again, this looked pretty serious"

"I hope we can somehow help her, but she's probably going to pretend like yesterday never happened."

Lena decided it was now time for her to step in.

"Heyy… Guys, why don't you all come to the living room with me for a minute."

The kids followed her quietly and sat, huddled together on the sofa. Each of them was worried about their other mum.

"I know that you know there's something going on with Mum and I will be honest with you. Mum is currently not feeling very well, emotionally. She's feeling a little bit depressed and she has to deal with a lot of built up feelings and that is really weighing down on her. But she's still your Mum and will still be there for you. Okay?"

As Lena was looking at all of her kids with concern she felt Stef's soft but strong hands massaging her tense shoulders.

"Hey Babies" Stef whispered as she smiled at her loved ones. "I'm okay, you don't have to look at me like I rose from the dead" she tried to joke, but failed miserably.

"Mum, are you sure you're okay though?"

" Yes love, now that I'm surrounded by my beautiful family." She went over and squeezed herself next to Lena and took her hand reassuringly. " I have mama to help me get through this rough patch and you guys. I get that your probably confused and kinda overwhelmed probably with having seen me yesterday. However mama is right, just because I'm being a little bit more emotional and sad than usual doesn't mean that I can't be there for you and listen to your problems and struggles. Understand ?"

"But why are you suddenly so sad ?" Jesus was asking the question all of them were thinking about

" I-I don't exactly no why now, but I guess there was a lot of stuff that I suppressed and never really dealt with that's now resurfacing, but don't worry I'm getting help from a professional. I'm also gonna apologise in advance for any future incidents, but just know that it's really nothing you have to worry about, because at the end of the day I have you and mama and I will be fine again- I promise." There was a short pause " I love you " She whispered, her voice breaking slightly " Never ever try to think otherwise".

"We love you too Mum! So, so much"

"Yes and we could never not love you, whatever's going on with you"

" We're all here for you"

"And if we can help you in any way let us know"

" cause we'll help you too, you're our mum!"

Stef had tears in her eyes, that were slowly escaping and sliding down her cheeks.

"Oh my beautiful babies, what would I do without you, I'm so proud of you"

"C'mon, I think it's time for a big Adams Foster group hug!" Lena gestured to all of them.

Stef took a deep breath, she felt a big weight being lifted off of her. She was so worried about talking to the kids, as she felt it was really non of their concern. But now she actually felt better they at least roughly knew what was going on. It won't be as traumatising for the kids in case, if she really cannot avoid it, they see her again after having a panic attack. As well as less stressful for herself as she won't worry that much about what the kids now thought. Of course she still worried a great deal, she was still mad at herself for appearing so weak in front of her kids. Stef didn't like to show weakness in front of others, a consequence of her fathers actions in her childhood.

A topic she actually planned on talking to Lena about, she had to tell someone else apart from her therapist.


	3. Chapter 3

Flashback

 _She heard the lock clicking. She knew there was no way she could escape this. He approached her casually, in a way a prey animal would look at its catch. A shudder went down her spine and she pressed herself against the chair she was sat in. He sat down in front of her, coming awfully close. This man was making her extremely uncomfortable and she didn't even wanna think about what would come next. He put his large hand on her thigh, too high to be appropriate. He squeezed it, hard. It made her jump back, her chair almost fell over._ _"No, no why are you so scared my dear? I'm not the one you should be afraid of. You should worry about yourself and how you're a disappointment in the eyes of God and oh, your poor father" his voice was quiet and he was touching her face with his fingers._ _"your father was very concerned about you when he came to me for help. Scared his daughter was going to become a dyke, unless he would push her into the right direction. You know that in the eyes of god having homosexual thoughts is a sin, innit? It is unhuman and NOT NORMAL. BEING GAY IS A SIN AND I'M TELLING YOU; AS WELL AS YOUR FATHER; THAT IT'S A SIN AND YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO HELL FOR THINKING THESE SHAMEFUL THOUGHTS!"_ _Whilst he was screaming at her he forcefully grabbed her by her shoulders, anger taking over him. He was shaking her violently and finally pushed her to the ground. All of a sudden his demeanour changed, his features softened again, but only slightly. He was looking at her with pity now._ _"I don't know how this could happen, you were always such a sweet little girl. But I'm sure you will be on the right path again once you leave here right? I don't think it was your intention to have these thoughts, right?"_ _Stef could only nod. She was still in shock from how rough the minister had been and all she wanted to do was leave._ _"Being a dyke is a choice Stefanie and you can still be saved from this choice. We can still fix you. People that participate in homosexual acts are sick and the church can help them. "_ _She got up, turned her back to the pastor and pressed down the handle of the door._ _Nothing happened. She was locked in._ _"c-can I leave now…., please?" Stef's voice came only out in a whisper, she felt completely exposed and humiliated._ _"I'm not sure you're ready to leave yet."_ _"I-I am, sir. I know being gay is a sin and I won't ever think like that again, I promise. I-I don't want to disappoint dad"_ _"I'm sure you don't , I know that you having these thoughts again would be the worst that could happen to your father. It's his biggest fear right now, he wants you to succeed, not waist your life. Because that's what it is. "_ _She wanted to go home, to her room and just lay on her bed and cry. She was so ashamed. Why did her father send her to his minister, how could he do that to her ?_ _"I won't disappoint him" her voice was quivering. The pastor started to look creepy again._ _"I'm sure you won't. And to make extra sure of that I'll show you what happens to filthy little dykes." He grabbed her again, this time pushing her onto the sofa. He took a wooden stick out of his trousers._ _Roughly pulling her shirt up until her breasts were exposed. He was holding Stef down with his knee._ _Stef already felt the excruciating pain on her breasts, before she heard the sound of wood making contact with her sensitive skin. Then on her bum, her back, her bum again. Why wasn't she strong enough to escape him._ _Flashback end_

Stef jerked awake. She had dreamt about what happened with the pastor again. She could feel where he hit her, her breasts were aching. She knew it was just phantom pain, she couldn't really feel her breasts anymore.

Her and Lena had talked about what happened when she was 16 last night. How her father's rejection of her sexuality caused this overwhelming shame and fear in her.

Stef had to admit herself that it felt good to confide in someone. She was so scared to be vulnerable in front of Lena. So scared she would reject her for not being good enough.

But of course she didn't. She had held her tight, comforting her. It really had helped, Stef realised. She felt a little bit lighter, less like she would suffocate any minute. She realised now that it was high time she talked about these past issues she successfully repressed and never dealt with. Recognising that there was a problem with keeping all this to herself was a huge step for Stef , as she liked to pretend that everything was just fine.

It wasn't.

But she trusted Lena when she said that therapy is going to help her as well as talking to Lena. This affected her as well. Her kids were affected by this. So many people depended on her. It would be wrong to preach to them about fully expressing themselves and talking to them about their problems if Stef herself didn't do that.

Old habits die hard , she knew she had to work on herself and her coping mechanisms but she was willing to do this. She was surrounded by so much love , she knew she could do this.

Stef pulled away from Lena to look onto her beautiful brown eyes. They reflected so much love . Her eyes moved to Lena's lips and she moved down to lightly cover them with her own. The touch was soft, feather like. She needed more, pressing her lips now firmly against her wife's. Their mouths opened slowly , a rhythm already found. Tongues playfully explored the others mouth. Their kisses slowly but surely being passionate. They kissed just for the sake of kissing , something that hasn't happened in a while.

Stef conveyed the appreciation and love she felt for Lena, who showed Stef her love and acceptance in a physical way. They needed this. Stef's hands moved underneath lena's top she wore for bed, feeling the soft skin if her wife. Making Lena when she started to massage he breasts. She wanted her wife, she wanted her now.

Rolling them over so that Lena was underneath her , she carried on kissing her wife whilst one hand travelled down to Lena's already wet centre the other hand stayed on her wife's boob. She pinched her nipple, making Lena squeal and Stef even more turned on by the noises her lover was making. "what do you want Stef ?" Lena was breathing loudly , already aroused by her wife's actions.

" I wanna make love to you all morning and I want you to fuck me !" Stef coarsely whispered into Lena 's ear.

They had the day off and as the kids were at school they spent most of their day in bed . They made love a few times but they also cuddled and talked a lot. They talked like they used to do, about everything and anything. But for once neither the kids nor money was mentioned. They really connected again , Lena made Stef feel special and protected.

They spent the weekend as a family , going to the beach , having a picnic in their garden. Stef felt relaxed for the first time in a while being surrounded by her family and the love they had for her and each other. She was so fricking proud of them. They were amazing and she felt so honoured to call them her kids. Brandon and Callie would soon leave for college and she tried to take in those last few months where everyone was still living at home and in the same city for that matter. Soon everything would change and Stef wasn't s're if she was ready to let go of her babies yet.

With the weekend ending , everyday life set in again. Meaning they had to leave their happy bubble and go back to work. Stef couldn't remember that there was ever a period where she dreaded going back to work, she loved her work. But being a detective in human trafficking surely took a toll on her. There were kids younger or the same age as hers and it was heart breaking to see then suffer and ensure so much.

She was truly starting to hate going back to work where she had to deal with some of the most disgusting and sick and cruel people she believed existed on this planet. It took a lot out of her to firstly not break down crying after each case but to also not bring it back home to her family.

It was stressing her out too much and she realised now that this stress added to the other issues she dealt with at the moment . Stef was seriously considering to ask for her to be moved to a different department.

She unwillingly left her wife's tight embrace to go take a shower. After she got dressed in her uniform and went downstairs where Lena had already prepared breakfast for their family. Stef had to leave before Lena and her babies. She gave everyone a big hug, before kissing her wife goodbye. Usually it was just a quick peck but this morning Stef gave her wife a passionate kiss, leaving Lena longing for more. Not even Jesus complained about their pda, he was glad thing his mums still loved each other after everything.

"I'll see you this afternoon, have a great day at school my babies!"

With that Stef left and drove to the San Diego Police Department. She was mostly doing Paperwork until she was called in by another detective to first question the victim and then interrogate the perpetrator.

Questioning the victim was hard, she was badly abused, both sexually and mentally. Though she was not saying a lot and Stef tried to make this as comfortable as possible for her, she knew they came across a malicious man. Someone who understood the game of mind play. Those were really hard to interrogate, but luckily , not that there was any luck in this case, they had hand proof evidence. She was shaken emotionally but for now she could hide it well.

Stef entered the interrogation room with force, not seeming affected by the crimes this man had committed.

"What did you think when you took her ?" Her voice sounded strong but internally she wasn't as calm as her demeanour might say she was.

The guy leaned back and grinned deviously " Ah, I see, you guys gave the fucking butch dyke. I thought you could do better than give me one of those feminist who can't do their job properly. This lesbo won't do you no good"

Stef gritted her teeth " You. Better. Start. Talking." Her voice was dangerously low, anyone would be scared or at least respect her by now, but not this guy. He could somehow sense Stef's insecurity which surfaced after her those words. Nobody else noticed though.

"Don't wanna talk about your little dyke nest where you pervert is trying to satisfy a woman. Ain't gonna happen cause lemme tell you somethin', you gon' need a real man to do so, if you let me go y'know I can show ya dykes a good time. Is your lover a butch dyke too? I know you want that , don't ya?" He came dangerously close to her and winked at her.

Suddenly Stef drew a blank, she didn't know what to say or what to respond. All she could hear where his words over and over again, then his voice was mixed up with her dads voice, his ministers voice and the voice of a former colleague. She couldn't think straight. It all became to much, she didn't even realise how they got her out of that interrogation room. Her breathing became rapid.

"Oh god not now" Stef mumbled to herself. The last thing she needed was to have a panic attack in front of her colleagues at work.

Her breath hitched as she went past her co-workers who looked at her rather strangely after what happened with the perpetrator. She grabbed the phone off her desk and almost ran out of the department.

By the time she was outside she was gasping for air. Just when she thought things were going back to normal for a bit. She had to get this anxiety under control. However she couldn't on that right now. She needed to focus on her breathing and she needed to call Lena.

Pulling the phone to her ear she noticed that she'd been crying. Lena immediately picked up.

"L-Len, ah ah c-can you ple- can you please get-get me. I-I-I don't think that – that I can drive." Her breath hitched again "I can't- I can't do this anymore ! Plea-Please come pick me up"


End file.
